It was around 5am one spring morning, in my early years of walking with The Lord. I sat in a puddle of tears after a long night and a dumb choice. Plopped in the drivers seat of my car at an empty football field; age 21 and homeless, yet again.
After the enemy had his taunting words of “and you call yourself a Christian… see? Who do you think you are trying to be a women of God. Just give up. This is who you are, and it’s who you’ll always be.” Oh how I sobbed in regret. My heart ached in disgust. And I actually believed the enemy. I felt like I let God down and that it was over for me. That I couldn’t be His anymore. That I was dirty again, and messed up too bad. That the past two years of bliss with Him was all going down the drain. That poor naive girl, I know think to myself. I had yet to go to a certain depth with Him at the time. The depth where I would learn how His heart is filled goodness and mercy.
"For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You." - Psalm 86:5
“Lord…” I cried in frustration. “I told you I’m not good enough! I knew I couldn’t do this. But I’m sorry, okay!? Please… please forgive me. I want to live for you! With everything I have! Jesus… you truly are my only hope. Please.. forgive me?” More tears streamed as I drifted off into a light sleep. And within an hour, my phone rang, and it was a God sent friend who allowed me to stay at her house until I got on my feet financially. To make a long story short, the rest is history. I haven’t been homeless since, (currently a homeowner) and never made that dumb choice again.
The crazy thing is, The Lord was never even mad at me for making that dumb choice. All along, all He wanted was for me to give Him that weakness of mine, so that He could walk with me through it, and heal the part of me that kept me going back to it. God was never on His throne looking down and scolding me saying "I can't believe you did that Brandy!" The way I imagined. Where He was, was in my car with me that early morning, trying to comfort me and leading my heart to repentance so that He could swoop in and help me. He was already moving on my friends heart to call me and open her home to me.
You see, when we miss it, and we are sick of missing it (whatever "it" may be), there He is wanting to help you back up, and going even stronger than before, by His spirit. He's a good Father, and an awesome Friend.
"Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? Romans 2:4"
So to you, Love. If you are someone that feels like God is mad at you for making a bad decision, I'll tell you by experience that He is not looking at the mistake. He's actually looking at the wound in your heart that is influencing that decision you keep regretfully making, and wants to heal it so that you can be free from it, and onto a healthier life.
From one sinner saved by radical grace to another, you are not too far gone. Nor will you ever be. If you want out of that thing that's held you captive, then within the depth of your heart tell Him "I repent Lord. I don't want to do this anymore. Would you heal my heart, deliver me, and help me overcome?" That will be music to His ears, and you'll truly experience His response. His radical gift of grace.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10